Miscarried hopes, dreams and love

Did you loose your baby recently? Or was it several months, perhaps years ago, but the memory of this traumatic event still haunts you from time to time?

Here is what I have to say to you:

Many women have high hopes, dreams about their future babies, even perhaps during childhood some already develop a sense of motherhood. A vision about being pregnant, giving birth and cuddling their babies with overpouring joy and love is a very natural feeling. Some women may even start developing some sort of bonding and love toward their baby to be well before being pregnant. There is a saying that “baby is conceived in the mind of the woman” referring to the idea of fantasizing about their potential offspring lot earlier before they form.

And when there is a miscarriage, no matter if it was only a developing few cells or a second, third term fetus, it is a traumatizing feeling. It can have similar impact like loosing a close friend or a relative. In many cases women try to recover from this traumatic experience with the speed of their wound healing. But it should take time like grieving any other loss, even if there wasn’t any physical bonding with that little person; it was a person that mattered wholly.

In the society there is a tendency to belittle these types of losses. Even some friends and relatives might be saying with an intention to comfort, that it will pass, you will have another child soon. But maybe inside you a voice cries with an outrage, that you all got it wrong.  It is not about another child. It is about this child, this person, this angel; who is gone! All my dreams, hopes and my heart are shuttered into pieces.

 This is especially true, if you have been waiting for this baby for a long time. Although you may try to forget about this traumatizing experience by burying it in the most hidden corner of your mind and pretending, as this has not happen to you. Well I can tell you even years after the loss the least expected things can trigger a memory of this loss if it is unprocessed.

The only way to move on is to process and let the grief overflow. It is very individual how long it takes to grief. For someone it might take a few months, for some might take years.

If you feel some way of having your hopes, dreams and love lost by a miscarriage, here are a few tips how to take care of yourself:

Cry, cry and cry!  Pour out all your emotions. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of healing.

If you feel you are angry, you hate all the pregos, all other mummies and babies. It’s fine. Find a way to let your steam out. Run, hit the boxing bag till your last power is gone, dance with passion or go for a walk in tranquil place. Whatever feels good for you.

Tell your story over and over to your loved ones or strangers until it looses its power on you. Journal, enroll for support group, start blogging, draw or make music that expresses your trauma and loss, until every single bit of it is processed.

When ready, find a way to say goodbye to your angel. This can be an actual burial or symbolic, like lighting a candle, releasing a Chinese lantern into the air or set a paper boat to sail with your message on. Be creative, you know what’s appropriate for you, to let your angel go.

Finally, if you still feel you can’t get over with it, look for help from a professional.

You can live your dream!

For compulsive thinkers: allow your mind to be alone with yourself

Don't be a "copy-cat"! Your imperfections make you unique!


Open book of a Life coach/psychologist

I am writing in this blog about my coaching and personal experiences and learnings

The importance of positive self-talk; or how to turn your vicious cycle into a virtuous cycle?

Have you ever wondered why certain things happen to you over and over again? Or why others seem so much more successful in life than you? Or why do you have a sudden mood swing due to an unexplained reason?

Truth is that there is an unconscious “free-running program” in your mind, a kind of self-talk or self-affirmation, which does have a huge impact your thoughts, actions and your mood on various levels.

Actually, it is a good thing to have a constant reinforcement of self-talks running behind the scene, strengthening your values, belief systems and there is a noble reason why it works this way. But what if this “free-running program” has some bugs and it is not entirely in service of you? For example it contains worries, self- limiting beliefs, judgments or fears, just to name a few.

Now pause for a minute and listen what was going on in the back of your mind while reading this article.  Were you fully focused being in the moment? Or did your mind drift away?

What did you notice?

Did you just contemplate of something that excites you or how well you solved a certain issue? Or perhaps how fulfilled your life is at the moment?

Or were your thoughts filled with uncertainties about a future or past situation? Or perhaps did you just grudgingly re-live an argument with someone? Are you feeling resentfully pity about one of your failures?

If you have noticed that your thoughts were filled with negative self-talk, worries, disappointments, here are a few tips how to reframe your self-talks:

Visualize a positive picture and outcome of the situation and turn that into action.

Believe you will succeed. There is nothing like believing in yourself to create a successful reality and tell over and over to yourself the only way it will happen is this (stating your positive affirmation)

Put aside your negative thoughts and feelings by directing your thoughts towards your positive visualization.

Think through what you can control and what you cannot.  Control the things you can and control your emotions like fear, frustration anxiety over things where you cannot control the action.

And finally the most important thing to create a positive statement!

When creating your positive self-talk only use positive words, your subconscious mind does not understand double negative command. So instead of saying to yourself don’t worry, use be confident, be optimistic.